Dog Humor

Some dog humor for your pleasure

Humorous reasons not to train a dog

Question: What do you do if a pit bull mounts your leg?
Answer: Fake an orgasm

You know you are owned by a dog when...

You have a mental list of people you would like to spay or neuter.
Running out of paper towels is a household crisis.
You stick fake reindeer antlers on the dog and photograph him for your Christmas Cards.
Not only do family and friends think you go overboard with doggie holiday decorations, they have never seen the holy family depicted by dogs.
Your checks show a dog.
You pray they will someday manufacture Teflon furniture.
You absentmindedly pat people on the head or scratch them behind their ears.
You not only allow dogs on the couch, guests have to sit on the floor because the dog has "territorial issues."
You and your vet are on a first name basis.
You tell your children to "heel!" in a grocery store.
You know all the characteristics of a good "stool".

Genuine misprints taken from real publications

"Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window."

Dog Law

In Columbus Georgia , it is against the law for dogs to howl after 9 P.M.
Berea Kentucky law requires dogs on the streets after dark to display a red taillight.
Florida law does not allow dogs to ride in a school bus.
A law in Zion Illinois prohibits owners from teaching their dogs to smoke cigars.
In Fox Point Wisconsin, dogs cannot travel in groups larger than two.
The Belvedere California City Council passed a law
that reads, "No dog shall be in a public place without its
master on a leash."

How To Photograph A Puppy

Remove film from box and load camera.
Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
Choose a suitable background for photo.
Mount camera on tripod and focus.
Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
Take flashcube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
Put magazines back on coffee table.
Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head... Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
Jump up in time to grab puppy and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"
Call spouse to clean up the mess.
Fix a drink.
Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink, and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.

Anna: "Did you know, the dog of Nancy can speak?"
Betty: "Yes, I know. My dog told me about it."

Dog Proverbs

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
- Ben Williams
"Whoever said you cannot buy happiness forgot about little puppies."
- Gene Hill
"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail."
- Unknown
"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as your dog does."- Christopher Morley
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself."
- Josh Billings
"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts."
- John Steinbeck
"Say something idiotic and nobody but a dog politely wags his tail."
- Virginia Graham
"All knowledge, the totality of all questions and answers, is contained in the dog."
- Franz Kafka