|Some dog humor for your pleasure
Humorous reasons not to train a dog
- Like to see the paw prints on my visitors clothes
- The house is too orderly
- Love the sound of barking in the morning, noon, afternoon, evening, and night
- Want the Vet to get a new BMW
- Garden and backyard need renovation, don't want to pay a gardener
- Furniture look too nice
- Neighbors don't complain enough
Question: What do you do if a pit bull mounts your leg?
Answer: Fake an orgasm
You know you are owned by a dog when...
- You have a mental list of people you would like to spay or neuter.
- Running out of paper towels is a household crisis.
- You stick fake reindeer antlers on the dog and photograph him for your Christmas Cards.
- Not only do family and friends think you go overboard with doggie holiday decorations, they have never seen the holy family depicted by dogs.
- Your checks show a dog.
- You pray they will someday manufacture Teflon furniture.
- You absentmindedly pat people on the head or scratch them behind their ears.
- You not only allow dogs on the couch, guests have to sit on the floor because the dog has "territorial issues."
- You and your vet are on a first name basis.
- You tell your children to "heel!" in a grocery store.
- You know all the characteristics of a good "stool".
Genuine misprints taken from real publications
- FREE PUPPIES: part German Shepherd - part dog .
- FREE PUPPIES: ½ Cocker Spaniel - ½ sneaky neighbor dog.
- FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER, 8 years old. Unpleasant little dog.
- GERMAN SHEPHERD, 85 lb., neutered, speaks German, free.
- FOUND: dirty white dog, looks like a rat, been out awhile, better be a reward.
- CUTE KITTEN FOR SALE, 2 Cents or best offer
- FREE: Farm kittens, ready to eat.
- KITTENS 8 WEEKS OLD - seeking good Christian home.
"Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window."
- In Columbus Georgia , it is against the law for dogs to howl after 9 P.M.
- Berea Kentucky law requires dogs on the streets after dark to display a red taillight.
- Florida law does not allow dogs to ride in a school bus.
- A law in Zion Illinois prohibits owners from teaching their dogs to smoke cigars.
- In Fox Point Wisconsin, dogs cannot travel in groups larger than two.
- The Belvedere California City Council passed a law
that reads, "No dog shall be in a public place without its
master on a leash."
How To Photograph A Puppy
- Remove film from box and load camera.
- Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
- Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
- Choose a suitable background for photo.
- Mount camera on tripod and focus.
- Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
- Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
- Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
- Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
- Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
- Take flashcube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
- Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
- Put magazines back on coffee table.
- Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head...
Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
- Jump up in time to grab puppy and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"
- Call spouse to clean up the mess.
- Fix a drink.
- Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink, and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.
Anna: "Did you know, the dog of Nancy can speak?"
Betty: "Yes, I know. My dog told me about it."
- "There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
- Ben Williams
- "Whoever said you cannot buy happiness forgot about little puppies."
- Gene Hill
- "Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail."
- "No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as your dog does."- Christopher Morley
- "A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself."
- Josh Billings
- "I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts."
- John Steinbeck
- "Say something idiotic and nobody but a dog politely wags his tail."
- Virginia Graham
- "All knowledge, the totality of all questions and answers, is contained in the dog."
- Franz Kafka
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